I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
