just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
