Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
