I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
