If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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