I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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