note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
