im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize