why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
