Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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