remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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