Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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