You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
