I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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