Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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