don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
