Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
