i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
