I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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