I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
