i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
