We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize