you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
