goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Olympian is in my bed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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