There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
