I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize