I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
