I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
