You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He? As in you personified your dick?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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