Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
