I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
