I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
