you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
