No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
