Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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