rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
