So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
