Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
