Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
