I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
