Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
