my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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