where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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