I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
