Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have post one night stand depression
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