i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you never un-have a 4some
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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