i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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