and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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