I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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