I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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