You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
