I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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