1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
