Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
