Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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