he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
