I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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