in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize