Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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