i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
