I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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