So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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